


I will always find you

by rewrittengirl



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hookfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 03:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewrittengirl/pseuds/rewrittengirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years, maybe even a century has passed. Killian's lost count. It's been so long since he let Bae go, and only when he finally ventures to find Baelfire and right his wrongs that he realizes it's too late...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will always find you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lahela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lahela/gifts).
  * Inspired by [You Never Came](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1009892) by [lahela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lahela/pseuds/lahela). 



> Okay, so this is my reaction to Sunday's episode (3x04 "Nasty Habits"). I planned this fic the moment I realized Hook had been in Bae's cave before... and I dedicate this fic with love to the wonderful recklessflight for being so supportive and basically one of the backbones of this pairing. This oneshot is also a reaction fic to her oneshot You Never Came, which in itself broke my heart. This is basically set some time after Bae left his cave to go home in her fic, so the words that are found written on a stone come directly from it. 
> 
> Thank you so much, Lahela! This is for you, and our amazing shipmates! <3

It had been years since Killian had last seen Bae’s face.

Perhaps even a century. He’d lost count when the number grew too high, but physically, he felt each moment as if it was that moment, over and over again. He might laugh or smile, he might argue with Smee or order his crew around, but there was still that moment, his eyes frozen, or rather transfixed at a face no longer there.

Killian had never felt such guilt before in his life. Nothing he’d done had ever warranted it to develop inside his heart… But that moment had cut a slice of black into it. He felt it squeeze, flicker in his thoughts constantly and color his vision in darkness.

It was clouding everything this night. He wandered Neverland, his resolve wavering at long last. He’d abandoned his ship for the night in the hands of Mister Smee (God help them all…), and made his way to Pan’s island. He’d be gutted for this, surely… but years of never knowing… never getting to apologize, or say goodbye…

When he found him, he wouldn’t really know what to say. Perhaps not even a word… How could he approach him after all these years? If Killian hadn’t been… _a coward_ he would have rescued Bae from Peter Pan soon after he’d let him go, whether or not the boy wanted him to.

But his eyes had looked so… _betrayed._ There was nothing he could have said to make that look disappear, and truly, he never wanted to see it again. He didn’t know if he could bear it…

Bae had changed, he knew. Any boy who had been ensnared in Pan’s world would inevitably lose himself within it.

Killian had stayed the same.

When he first arrived in Neverland he would regularly map and explore the island, but he hadn’t done so in years. Still, he knew it as well as he knew his own ship. He knew where he was going, and he knew where Bae had to be. He just _had_ to be a Lost Boy by now...

Yet when he reached the overlook of Pan’s camp he’d long since claimed as his own, he did not see the boy among them. Hook’s gloved hand clenched around a tree branch as his eyes whirled around the campfire again and again. No… he had to be here… he was either here or he escaped… that was it, he truly had outsmarted Pan. Killian had taught Baelfire well, not just how to be a pirate, but how to survive on one’s own.

He could only believe this was the case. He _had_ to believe… he couldn’t allow himself to think that… just maybe…

Hook sneaked away from the overlook, the sound of drums and the wailing of Lost Boys in his ear. And then he began to run.

_‘No… no no no no **no**!’_

Pan, he would never _let_ Bae leave. _No one_ was allowed to leave Neverland without his permission. If he wanted Bae somewhere, Bae was there, no question about it.

If Bae hadn’t escaped, and he wasn’t a Lost Boy, then he must surely be dead.

Why hadn’t the thought ever occurred to Killian before? How could he place himself in such denial, given such trust to someone as pure evil as Peter Pan? He’d left Bae stranded like blood in water… The faster his heart was beating, the more Killian felt Bae’s soul was no longer in Neverland.

 _‘Bae...’_ he cried silently, wary of the Lost Boy’s hearing his suffering. His eyes went everywhere, and everything made his head spin. _‘Oh, God Bae, please don’t be dead.’_

This was everything he deserved. The black in his heart was growing, and he felt a deep resent _for himself_. If he looked in a mirror, he felt he would see nothing but the Crocodile staring back at him.

_He had abandoned Bae and left him to die._

Sweat rolled down his forehead and into his eyes. He wandered now, forgetting the map of the island in his mind. A hundred years might have gone by, and he never would have known… Had he suffered? Had it been quick? Had he cursed Killian’s name as he drew his last breath…?

_Had Pan tortured his Baelfire?_

Killian couldn’t breathe. He felt the memories of a century ago flooding his senses. Bae dripping wet upon his deck the moment he first saw him… Bae stumbling with seasick legs… Bae grinning as he turned the ship two notches to port… Bae sharing ale with him as he taught him to map the stars… Bae learning to sword fight and accidentally stubbing Killian’s toe… Bae drawing the Darling children over parchment on winter nights when he missed them the most… Bae drawing Killian when he missed them the least… Bae being… _Bae._

And he was gone… There was no Bae to find, no way to apologize and make new memories _together_. Killian was just… _alone._

He stood still in the jungle, but he was so dizzy. The silence of nature was unnatural tonight… Everything seemed swollen. He backed away from something, or someone’s ghost, that wasn’t there, and stumbled over a rock by his heel. His arms flailed about, his hand and hook trying to grip some support, but he fell flat on his back in a bed of fallen leaves.

Killian groaned, wheezing to get the air back in his lungs. He looked up, his vision blurring for a moment, until finally, the world stopped spinning.

Where… was he?

Rolling over on his stomach, Hook ran a hand over his moppy, damp hair as he looked at the structure. He’d seen this place before… But it had always just been a rock formation. Now it looked like… a house. There were vines growing along its surface, the fierce jungle attempting to reclaim the land.

Stumbling upright, Killian brushed himself off and cautiously stepped forward. He sucked in a breath, still consumed by self-hatred but tired being dragged down. Something was strange about this place. He could feel… it was important.

A rope hung down from its highest point, and wrapping his hooked arm around the rope, he pulled with his good hand as hard as he could. A door to the place opened nearby, so Killian quickly tied the rope off and stepped inside.

As he entered, a warmness washed over him. It was a calming feeling, and suddenly his heart beat a little steadier, his mind a little more at ease. He couldn’t see, but with a match he lit the nearest lamp he could find.

It was a small cave dwelling, just big enough for one person to live semi-comfortably inside. There were fashioned bowls and a makeshift pallet to sleep, and all along the walls etched drawings hung their stories like tapestries in a palace. Killian ran his fingers over the walls, as his eyes made sense of each drawing…

Then he saw it. Directly across from him he saw the port and starboard signs.

Movement and curiosity ceased. Without thinking, he called out in a strangled voice, “Bae?!” His eyes were wide, his mouth hanging open in shock. He backed into the wall, staring at the place where clearly Bae had lived for quite some time. As if to shield himself he wrapped his arms around his chest, sliding down the rock wall and staring at what he’d done.

This wasn’t right… Bae shouldn’t have had to _live like this!_ No one deserves the life of a fugitive, a homeless wretch, least of all… that beautiful boy.

Killian would be lying to himself if he said he wished Bae had turned out to be dead, but this… this fate must have been hell.

And Killian felt it. Every second Baelfire spent drawing, wishing, hoping in that cave fell upon him like an avalanche. He sweat more, breathed less, and all the while tears streamed steadily down his face. “Bae…” he shuddered, unable to utter words of apology to a boy long since gone. This place had been empty for quite some time. The entire room had been gathering dust, and it was no longer warm in here. It was terribly, terribly cold and lonely.

 _“Bae?!”_ he shouted, his voice growing high and desperate. Where _was_ he if not here, if not in Pan’s camp, _if not in Neverland_?!

Killian jumped up and began to search fervently through the things Bae left behind. He searched under his pallet, around the bowls and throughout the cave drawings, to give him some hint, some sign that the boy was alive. Maybe… maybe he was missing something… Maybe Pan found him… and he had to move away, hide from him somewhere else…

But that was impossible. Killian knew every inch of this island as well as Pan had. If there were any place that would be worth hiding in, Killian was standing in it right at that moment.

Killian’s eyes and fingers frantically ran over the drawings near the port and starboard. The lad had learned well… he _remembered_. God, why had he been so stupid? Why had he let himself believe Bae would be alright without him? _Would this primitive life be alright with you, Captain Hook?!_

He gripped at his hair and groaned. He didn’t know what to do… Where to go, where to look for his lost boy, and he certainly didn’t know _if he wanted to be found_.

“I’m so sorry, Bae…” he whispered, sinking down with his back to the table. His breathing shuddered. “Bae, I’m so sorry…I’m so so sorry… _please… forgive me…”_

Everywhere he looked he felt accused and ashamed… but if he closed his eyes, the frozen moment returned, and he was lost to misery.

Killian clutched his chest, staring blindly at the wall to his left. His eyes fell slowly toward the ground, but he perceived a rock he hadn’t before. There were scribbles on it, but it was too dim from the poor lighting to see.

Swallowing deeply, Killian licked his cracked and dried lips, and stood with shaking legs. He looked around and saw a candle in a coconut bowl on the table, and with an equally shaking hand and hook eventually lit it. Kneeling down, he held the light to the stone and read Bae’s words quietly aloud.

_“Dear… Killian…”_

Hook sucked in a breath. Remorse joined guilt in slowly devouring his heart.

“ _Thank you… for everything you taught me…_ Oh, God lad don’t thank me… I don’t deserve it,” he muttered, his eyes clenching. He forced himself to continue.

_“I found a way to return to the Darlings... and I couldn’t have done it without your help.”_

Killian sat back on his heels, whispering the words over and over again to himself. Somehow, he knew that this was all true, and that Bae really had found his way back to those children. He looked up and saw the drawing of the family on the wall, close to the port and starboard signs. They were so important to that boy… All he wanted to do was go home to them.

 _Home._ If only he’d made Bae believe he’d found a home with him… None of this would have ever happened. _His Bae wouldn’t have suffered_.

He stood, returning the candle to the table with every intention of heading out. But his fingers brushed the other upside down coconut bowl, and the light caught it just right that it flickered… Strange… there were holes drilled into the shell.

Hook picked it up, confused as to their purpose… Clearly this wasn’t actually a bowl. He looked around, wondering what other oddities Baelfire had come up with, when he saw shifting lights that hadn’t been there before.

Looking down, Killian held his breath. Slowly, afraid they would break, he placed the punctured half atop the lighted half… And turned his head to the sky.

For the first time in a _very_ long time… Killian truly smiled.

* * *

Captain Hook made his way from Pan’s camp with nothing but determination on his face. He’d wiped away the tear-streaked kohl and before he’d left Baelfire’s cave, he’d righted everything the way he found it… as if the boy had never left, and Killian had never disturbed such a relic.

He turned the glass vial over and over again in his hand as he made his way back to the shore. He would never regret this, not like he regretted sending Bae away in the first place. He would make any deal, sign any contract for this. There was no other path the Captain could take.

The farther away he was from the island and Peter Pan, the more he began to think clearly. He rowed back to the ship from the shore, and he felt a sense of relief when he climbed on deck. He’d waited _far_ too long for this.

At first crew members greeted his arrival on deck with merriment, but when they saw his face, theirs too turned grim. Hook made his way straight for the quarter deck, where Mister Smee was snoozing at the helm.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Hook took Smee’s ear and twisted it just enough that his first mate awoke with a strong jolt. He was disoriented at first, but then he saw the dark look on Killian’s face. “C-Captain, sir! Welcome back--”

“We’re leaving. Now.”

Smee’s eyes widened. Hook had practically shouted these words, and the whole crew looked up to hear what he had to say.

“But… pardon me, Captain… Do you mean… _leaving_ leaving? As in… leaving Neverland?”

With this question Killian’s lips curled into both a grin and a sneer. He breathed deeply, hotly through his nose. At long last…

“... Aye.”

The whole crew began to go up in a roar, the pure cheer evident in every face but Smee’s.

“Captain, how can we leave Neverland? Pan hasn’t given us permission, has he?”

The Captain’s eyebrow raised and he gave a hearty but dark laugh. “Indeed he has, Mister Smee… Indeed he has.”

He tossed the bottle in the air and caught it as it came back down, dangling it in Smee’s face. His first mate gasped when he saw what was inside.

“Is that what I think it is?”

Killian looked at it mockingly and grinned. “Might be.”

With a swish of his coat, Killian took control of the helm, causing Smee to step down and join the others. The Captain was positively beaming at his crew.

“Let’s find out, shall we?”

In a split second the bottle was in the air, at least a foot above the tip of the mast, and like lightning Killian drew his pistol. With a shot that rang out all through Neverland, the glass of the vial shattered.

Flecks of green and gold covered the ship, and before Killian could blow the smoke from his gun, the _Jolly Roger_ was glowing in Pixie Dust.

The crew cheered again, but before they knew it the ship was being lifted into the air. Killian spun the wheel of the helm and shouted for the crew to assume their positions.

He could feel, however, Mister Smee’s worried expression behind him. “Captain, where are we sailing? … Do you finally know where the Dark One is?”

Killian stared at the night sky and the moon hanging above them. They were advancing toward the stars, with absolutely nothing to stop them. He didn’t answer Smee’s question, but simply kept his eyes upon the sky.

Eventually Smee grew tired of waiting for an answer, and joined the crew in their efforts. As his eyes scanned the darkness, he finally spotted it. There was a star, only just brighter than the one next to it, that was calling to him.

His brow stern, he clicked the wheel two notches to port.

 _“I will find you, Baelfire,”_ he whispered. The wind and cold altitude rushed at him like a wake-up call. He would stop at nothing until his clever, clever Bae was safe in his arms.

“Mister Smee!” he called his eyes only briefly glancing to the red-capped man below.

The man looked above him, squinting to see Hook against the glow of the ship. “Yes, Captain!”

Killian’s lips grew into a smile.

“Set a course for the second star to the _left._ Straight on ‘til morning.”

  
  



End file.
